Sollieeverdark's Blog

{September 24, 2015}   Autumn Equinox 2015

So I technically woke up at 3ish, but Stephen and I didn’t get up until about 4:30. So I was technically awake during the actual equinox event. (Could I spin that as meditating through? =P Or trance work?)

At around five I was functional. Stephen made me a delicious cup of coffee, I checked the sunrise (6:34am according to the website), and then he headed out. Before I gathered everything up for the ritual (I even found some bells, imagine that), I did a brief ten minute meditation I found online.

It was nice, but as usual my breathing affected it, but I definitely felt more alert after that.

I ended up not calling the quarters precisely, I just spoke some words that sounded right and used my athame as I felt correct. I also rang the bell, that felt nice.

It was slightly weird to start, because I’m a pretty silent person and speaking aloud to myself is, while not unusual, makes me startle sometimes. But I got into the flow of it. It helped that I used this playlist, and parts of it matched up pretty well.

Everything goes well until I decide to swipe my athame through the flames on the Persephone and Demeter candles. Well, the Demeter candle went out. I felt really bad about that, but as it was towards the end of the ritual anyways, I figured it might be truly symbolic. It also was more of an effort to burn the paper than I expected, that sucker did not want to get its flame on.

I also ended up forgetting to grab the “cake and ale”…they were still in the kitchen. Whoops. And I had to get up at one point to turn off the alarm clock from across the room…

But it gave me a really good feeling overall, and at the end, when dismissing the circle/quarters, I added, “I hope it was enjoyable…and entertaining.” And laughed.

It really was a great experience.

I took some peach tea and some apples that were just this side of bad to the trees on the side of the apartment complex and offered my thanks.

Originally, I was just going to make scrambled eggs for the boys, but I found some hidden bananas, so I ended up making banana muffins, eggs, and cutting up an apple for them.

The oranges I were going to give them were slimy on half, so I ended up having the boys, after breakfast, give to the trees. They were super excited, and oddly enough, one insisted on standing in the sun, the other insisted on standing in the shade…hm….

I made myself a drink from sparkling cider and yumberry pomegranate sobe lifewater. Delicious!

Naptime! I ended up taking an hour and a half nap (well, I laid there for that time, I didn’t fall asleep that quickly) and I didn’t want to get back up, I was so comfortable and relaxed, but I had to go to work.

Stephen had asked that I put the items into the crock pot so that it’d be ready for supper. It’s a cheesy broccoli chicken soup. It looked pretty amazing, can’t wait to see and taste it!


{April 14, 2014}   urgh

I’m just stressed. I have two weeks of school left and I’m behind. I’m sleep deprived, and I feel lonely all the time. I try my fucking hardest to juggle being a student, employee, friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and I’m constantly shit on by every single person. I have had to let some stuff fall to the wayside, and instead of being understanding, people have been horrible about it. I’m sleep deprived and lonely and just so tired of struggling just to be bitched at when I fail. I was supposed to have friends over today, and not a single person showed up. Which is fine, if something came up I completely understand. But all four of them didn’t even get in contact to let me know they weren’t coming, and it’s just a completely shitty feeling.

{April 11, 2013}  
  1. Daniel~I still think of you whenever I watch “Stick It” or listen to The Killers, or I’ll be doing a research paper and remember pranks on our teacher. Sometimes driving to that one stop sign reminds me of the times we went to the movies and you took a turn too wide. There was never a fall out, just a fade away, and I love that your life is so much everything you deserve. I still wish I was a part of it, but at least we have the memories.
  2. Hailey~There is only one memory of you and me alone: Pei Wei, first day back at college. All our other memories belong to the group or are tainted with the times you hurt me or irritated me. The strongest memory I have of you, though, is the breakdown on Main Street and that resulted in me so hopeful at your potential. I tend to forget that though, given how pretentious and snooty you became.
  3. Stephanie F.~I credit you with being my first ever friend, and that’s something from a girl that was bullied. We didn’t stay close, but wow. Bus riding, your ridiculous dog, watching Grease during the sleep over, all the drama at the sleep over, and curling up inside of the bottom of the sleeping bag. If I had the courage, I would ask you if you remembered that night, and if you remembered being in your parents’ room, crying during the thunderstorm, and me holding your hand. You probably never knew, but sometime around high school I wrote you a super long (5 plus?) letter, but I was always too scared to give it to you.
  4. Burton~I’m still dealing with the fall out from you. I’ll see something and immediately want to share it with you, only to realize a minute later you would throw it in my face. Maybe in a few years we’ll be friends again, once you’re not such a disaster. I hope so, at least.
  5. Lucas Canaan~My first crush, and first person at school to be my friend. I’ll never forget how embarrassed I was that she told you about my crush, but then seeing you holding your hand out and asking if I wanted to play tag with everyone…there are no words for how thankful I am for you. I wish so much I could recconnect with you, because I’m sure you’re even more of an amazing person now and I would like to thank you in person, see if you even remember me. Knowing me though, it would turn awkward and depressing quickly, so maybe it’s better to be a memory.
  6. Tyler Carter~I named a toy after you. That’s one of the highest honors I could bestow on someone. Along with 5, you helped me through being bullied and learn how to have fun and interact with people. Thank you.
  7. Ryan Fucking Howard~I will never ever let you dupe me again. You are worse than a rat, worse than a weasel. You belong in the special level of hell that people who put shopping carts literally right next to the cart rack get. That is how awful a person you are. I only wish I wasn’t such an idiot and had seen it sooner.
  8. Andrea~You and I connected super fast, and it burned out not long afterwards. I know somewhere inside that foolish side of you is that girl that had a backbone of steel and common sense. I hope you’ll become her again.

{December 12, 2012}   Quarter of a Century

So, this year I was 25. And I had a great birthday. I had my b-day party on the 8th. Who all was there? C-lion, Stephen, Ana, Carmen, Jamie, Sketch, Glad, Davey and his girl, Andy.

Then on my actual birthday, I had gotten super sick (threw up everything in my stomach, had a huge lump that made it painful to swallow and breathe) the night before, so instead of going to mom’s as planned I stayed at home with the boys. Then I went to class, which was more a lab time than anything else. Not to mention IADT had a christmas lunch planned, so I got food and all sorts of stuff. It was super fun. One more week in the term, yipes!

Gifts? Ana got me a three book set of Scott Kelby photo books, Jamie got me a crystal family from brazil, and C-lion got me a visa gift card. My loving husband got me Firefly, Howl’s Moving Castle, and Nausicaa.


And, on DA my friend drew this for me:


{December 5, 2012}   Bitter Crone Vent

stephen and I work ourselves to the bone to be able to survive and raise the kids and clothe the kids, and we don’t qualify for foodstamps because we make too much “gross” income

which means income before the fucking bills
medical bills from where they fought over giving our kids insurance
Gas to get to a shitty work where they pay us too little for working too much, are treated like shit, and ignored if we do the job right.
bills that go towards a fucking apartment, electricity, and water to be able to fucking have the proper shelter
They don’t take into account our fucking bills. We have to empty our bank accounts about once a month. We overdraft almost every third month between the two of us, and we still don’t fucking qualify for foodstamps?
I know that life has never been fair, but I just get so pissed and upset over this. I don’t understand why they do this shit. It’s like they punish the fucking people who try to fucking do right, who try to fucking get somewhere in life. We’re not even fucking middle class, we can’t afford anything extra about 90 percent of the time.
Keep in mind, they are only looking at Stephen’s paychecks. I don’t have a job. So less than 3000 a month is supposed to pay all the bills, shelter, and feed a family of four?


It’s ridiculous, especially when I remember how my brother and sister in law ate fucking sushi off of foodstamps, and borrowed money every month to pay all the bills, and I was promoted to manager and still couldn’t fucking buy anything more than the essentials foodwise.

It’s not fair. I know I keep saying it, but I do have a basis for comparison, so don’t even start quoting on that.

I just….god, my work ethic has been sodomized with a hot spatula doused in jalapeno juice, and we are drowning in debt, mainly medical because of fucking stupid insurance companies trying to say the other is responsible, and it’s Christmas, and birthdays are coming up, not to mention new years, and it’s

So, this guy is one of my best friends, and a close friend of Stephen’s as well. Hey, let’s move in together, because you’re stuck in a shitty situation and you can either help us with rent, or you can babysit so we can pay the bills. Win fucking win!

Except, no.

  1. When you babysat when we were out of town, you didn’t notice for HOURS that our son’s arm was broken.
  2. When the broken arm was suspicious enough to get us investigated by child services, you didn’t even help me clean the apartment. My friend, who lived three hours away and had a fucking newborn, drove up here to help me. And mad as I was, I defended you.
  3. You couldn’t even do the one chore that you volunteered to do: Dishes. You would let them built up until we had no dishes, and then tackle them. Half of them didn’t get clean. A lot of them never got washed.
  4. You couldn’t even live up to your own promises. “I promise that I’ll never have a girl spend the night when the boys are home.” Two days later…I didn’t ask you to promise, I didn’t give a shit. But you madea  promise you couldn’t keep.
  5. Late on your bills.
  6. Barely paid the bills you did.
  7. Ate all the food and never replenished it.
  8. Tried to scam me into getting 300 dollars or so in debt. YOU were supposed to pay the cable bill. This month’s bill is YOUR responsibility. Don’t you DARE pester us to put it our name so we end up getting fucked over, you fucking sack of shit. This pisses me off more than ANYTHING else, you asshole. That you would try to manipulate us into getting completely FUCKED over just goes to show there was a reason that the bitter bastards were your best friends for a long time.

Unless you apologize TO MY FACE then don’t expect me to be my usual self around you. I highly doubt you’re gonna do that, though, since you took to avoiding us to not change your (immature, self centered, stupid) behavior.

{May 16, 2012}   Mother’s Day Weekend 2012

So on the 8th I started classes. Saturday night I was at work when I get two calls from an unknown number. I don’t answer because we’re busy. Shortly afterwards I get two more calls from a different unknown number.

Finally I call them back. Stephen has been in a serious accident on the interstate. He hit a retaining wall, spun out of control, and finally stopped in the middle lanes.

Then an 18 wheeler hit the back of the car.



LUCKILY, and I don’t know how considering the truck made Misao (the versa) go spinning again and very possibly clipped the passenger side, Stephen only sprained his left shoulder and right leg. And that’s it. Insane. Freaking love my Versa, and thank you Misao for protecting my husband.

So I wait until Carol gets back to the store and I book it to Stonecrest. I’m worried and don’t know the full story yet, but I’m not able to freak out completely because I know he’s coherent, which is still surprising.

Long story short, insurance will pay for everything, just gotta wait a bit until all the processing goes through. Also, we have a rental car paid for. And Christie put a down payment on a car for us and will pay about 4 months so we can try to build up some money. Bless her lil heart. That means that very possibly we will have two cars again, which will be such a huge freaking relief.

In other news, My Aesthetics and Design homework was really stressing me out. I had a vocab match list to complete and the words weren’t in any glossary I could find. Hell, our book doesn’t even have a freaking glossary. Well, I ended up procrastinating and then day of (today), just going through and making educated guesses.

I got all but 3 correct. ❤

Then, our other assignment was to critique a photo using the four stages: description, analysis, interpretive, and judgment. Well, he didn’t describe them or anything, just had us do it. So,I ended up researching and doing it on my own. I ended up stressed because I sounded so snobby and pretentious and fake a few times, and had to rewrite it.

I was the second one to go and when I got done, the look on his face–he was impressed!–and said that I had hit all the points and “very very good”.

I hate myself, I do, but everyday that goes by I honestly believe i made the right choice to go back to school. Not just to get an education, but because it takes me one step closer to the woman I wanna be.

Also, you know how much trouble I have making friends? 2nd day of class and I’m already talking to pretty much the whole class and some of the girls actually wanted me to sit with them for lunch. ❤

{May 12, 2012}   College: Round Two

So on Tuesday the 8th,I had my first college course in over 3 years. It’s called Aesthetics and Creativity. It meets for 5 hours on Tuesdays for ten weeks. I also have a Thursday Class called Design Fundamentals.

It’s kind of panic inducing being back in school. I’m so afraid to fuck up, because I can already tell that pretty much everyone expects me to fail. Let me clarify: They don’t want me to. They hope I don’t. But they think I probably will. I can’t blame them, I’m not known for finishing what I start. I’m so afraid to do an assignment wrong, and it doesn’t help that everything about this school is different than MTSU. First, it’s quarters, not semesters. Second, 5 hour classes. Third, I’m no longer a teenager. Fourth, I know what I’m dedicated to. I don’t know much, but I know that if I can manage, I’ll be fine.

It’s refreshing to be back in the classroom. I really hope I don’t screw this up. Will update more later on this, I can’t think of what to say.

I talked to a guy yesterday from IADT and we worked out a schedule. Still, when I logged on to the website, I couldn’t help the feelings that came over me.

Shock, upon seeing my name attached to a new school schedule.

Pride, at the fact that I managed to get this far.

Fear, because I’ve already flunked out before

Fear, because I haven’t told the rest of my family other than my mom,

Hope, because maybe I can actually find the girl I used to be, who had it together and wasn’t a complete fucking loony toon.

Love, for the people who’ve gotten me here

Intimidation, because holy crap I’m going back to school and I have no idea what I’m going to do.

After that first conflicting moment, I just started smiling.

I start Tuesday. Orientation is tomorrow. Free fall starts in t minus….

{April 17, 2012}   Nom

Wanted to cook tonight, but had to scramble to decide what to make with what I had. Here’s what I came up with. The importance of keeping a kitchen stocked with various soups and sauces just struck home with me. Also, frozen veggies are the closest thing to heaven we have.

Both recipes invented by me. XD
Alfredo Veggie Casserole
–frozen veggies: corn, cut green beans, whole green beans
–fresh veggies: chopped up carrots
–Alfredo pasta sauce

1. microwave the frozen veggies as directed on the bag
2. combine all veggies in baking pan. (I put green beans, carrots, and then corn but i’m sure it doesn’t matter too much lol)
3. spread Alfredo sauce on top smoothly.
4. Make cornbread crumbs and sprinkle a good layer over top evenly
5. I put it one 375 for about ten minutes and it was still a bit cold, but tasted great!

Honey Chicken
—boneless skinless chicken breasts
–olive oil

1. spread a layer of oil on chicken (to lock in moisture)
2. spread the honey on the chicken
3. season to taste (I normally put some sweet basil and rosemary on it)
4. Place in oven for about 40 minutes on 375

et cetera