Two of my best friends have started their blogs again. One of these people was the reason I’ve started trying to keep track of things again. I feel like I’ve been in limbo for so long.
If I read back over my posts on facebook, myspace, and xanga, I feel slightly ashamed.
I am a horribly selfish person.
I try not to be. I try to be giving and loving and better, but what it boils down to is that I am selfish. I’m not the bad kind of selfish who says “Mine mine mine!”
I’m selfish in that I want to be everyone’s best friend, or most important friend.
I’m selfish in that I want people to reassure me that they love and think of me, the way they do others.
I’m selfish in that I want to know everything, and to be acknowledged.
Some people wouldn’t count that as selfish, but I do.
I look around my friends and I see so many fantastic people, and I battle with myself. “Do they still think of me as a friend? I’m always making the first effort.” “Why do they never do these sweet things for me like they do for literally all our mutual friends?”
And then I punch the selfish whiny girl inside me and say “Shut up!” I force myself to remember that life is different now, that we can’t always hang out like we did, or that I’m a more bitter, stressed out person than I used to be. I know my friends love me, but I wish I could get their honest opinion…and while I know that some would give it, I know that I also won’t believe it if it’s good until I win this stupid battle with self hate.
Yes, not self loathing, self hate.
This may not make any sense, but I wanted to post this. Maybe I’ll expand when I actually know what the hell is going on inside my noggin. Maybe not.
Shut down modes and living in limbo are not fun.
